Hey dude how’s tricks?
Just gunna get to the shit of it, if that’s alright.
Anxiety, amirite? ╭( ๐_๐)╮
We all have it... in this long distance race of the first world, and we all process it in our own way. The way mine manifests is quite ridiculous, considering it is contrary to my nature. You see dearest, I can’t seem to look at strangers in the eyes. I am baffled by my own duplicity, since I need to look at people in the peepers as I gibber gabber. I know this is a pretty regular happenstance for most and likely bothers a very little amount... but boy, does it ever chap my hide. [ ಠ_ಠ]
To me it feels like I’m a moth in a bath and without a ladder.
Which is silly, because no one cares.
I am highly aware of my height and size and no one thinks the big brown person feels threatened.
(ó﹏ò。)
But, I assure you, I do.
People, especially groups of em, make me extremely nervous.
Which is super silly considering the world is the safest it’s ever been according to history and university studies(unlike what the news tries to promote). Most of us don’t want to harm one another, not without provocation of course and unlikely to do so without some form of intoxication, whether mentally or chemically. So why can’t I look at this guy across from me in the eye? It’s only 7 pm, a pretty safe time to ride the TTC… yet the second he looks at me in my eyeholes, I’m looking elsewhere, believe that. If I could prevent it or pre-empt it in some fashion I would, but alas, my precognitive powers do not work that way. |*￣ー￣|
Why I ponder, knowing what I know and understanding the nature of the universe does this irritate? Looking at a stranger in the eye is the last on the list of 'my issues', that I need to concern myself with. Unfortunately it irks me so. Like I am some kinda worried filled choda, fearful of a rogue thought entering my mind via someone else’s neurosis. Or by some strange magic, have my personal peace disturbed by a violent sexual attraction, that I now must learn to live without, forever. (。·ε·。) I know, insane.
I’m a huge bitch, nearly 5’11 at 260 pounds, the public responds to me like I’m a threat and that to me is riotous, considering I’m a marshmallow encased in a coffee laced Isomalt, ready to melt at the whiff of a temperature change. Truly, I'm just super intense and love at a ferocity that would burn most eyebrows off, if manifested like Ki.
Look, I get it, I'm a paradox. (⌒▽⌒)☆ but I am getting off topic here...
Back to the origin of sight:
Some call them the window to the soul, but they have no real mana right?
Or do they?
Like how we can manifest things into our lives just by thinking something unconsciously or subconsciously. Do eyes have that kind of power too?
Like, this dude across from me, he may not want to harm me, but what if he wants to like hang out with me or something? Does that add to some kind of energy metre? At some point will we become friends if that was the case? Or will it draw a better friend to me in future? Or does it work the opposite way? Like eyes are the vampires of the face and it isn't cameras that could steal a part of your soul, but strange people looking deeply into your bifocals. (●_● )
I base all these theories in science of course.
Alls' I'm saying is, if I am saying anything at all... Is, what do I do with my eyes?
I have a hard time believing its because I have childhood trauma that would emotionally encapsulate most people. Especially because I really do require eye contact for a few reasons. 1. For memory retention ( thank you ADHD) and 2. Connection ( thank you Anxiety). So I humbly postulate, that it is a magics of sorts that's preventing me from looking into this random dudes corneas. That my witchiness is picking up a no fly zone when looking into the optics of strangers and I must not offend this natural barrier, for it is sacred and requires a stipend I simply cannot afford. And you know what, that's okay.
I bank my souls account could use a purge or two before this superpower is unlocked. You know like maybe deal with those dang imposed indigenous, fat and queer taxes that I collected at birth unbeknownst to me. Or mayhaps the yoga I do has allowed a new investment to grow instead, and I may be able to face this unreasonable fear by 2025. You see by then my eyes will have no choice but to see differently, cuz by then, I will have a new filter thanks to the planned flight of my offspring. Otherwise I fear my ocular muscles will deteriorate and all I will see is threats and that would suck the hardest. Considering I am attempting to manifest a life of travel & honest connection before I pass from this mortal coil and those two realities are in direct conflict to one another.
I mean thats the whole point right? To recognize where we limit ourselves and push past those limits, so that we can surpass our own... limitations. ( · · )
I am certainly working on that possibility, since life up until this point felt extremely limited and not just because the world treats people like me as though I am the problem. Simply because I believed it. So I ask yet again cherished reader, where do I point these big brown orbs?
Asking for a friend.