I have been doing some internal searching as to what it is I truly desire in a life buddy, and comparatively, what I settle for. Believing that this current time, the here and now, being of the utmost importance.
If you haven't read any of my previous blogs, Hi, I'm Lester. A self proclaimed international slut on hiatus, AKA, an old filthy bugger. Sex is wonderful, Sex is sacred, yada, yada, yada. (´ ε ` )♡
So, now that we're best friends...
Here's my conundrum:
I have a dear friend who allows sex to be a part of our relationship, but it is far from traditional, although love is very prevalent. We don't talk everyday, there's no control over the others whereabouts or choices. Although I can get a bit tender over a relationships he has with other women, I am secure enough to know I am incomparable. Besides, all healthy relationships require freedom, honesty and trust. I trust he would let me know if there is someone else. Yet I don't want to be his wife, not sure I want to be anyone's wife.
I guess because this relationship had felt so close to a marriage, and it turned out this way, that I have gained more of an aversion to a traditional 'marriage'. Admittedly I crave a connection with someone where that is a reality, a 'marriage' of souls if you will. I know it exists, I've seen them.... I was raised by one. Yet, here I am questioning if this is the closest I personally can get to one. (╬≖_≖)
We get along swimmingly, laugh and play fairly. There is a level of respect that we do have for one another that is very special. Although the idea of living with him again makes my skin prickly.
My freedom is really important to me, I need to feel supported through my creative experience here without pretence, without judgement. I recognize how hard that is for another, since it can be hard for me as well. I am aware of my flaws, I try to be accountable for my shit. Yet, here I am surrendering to the option of familiar sex, rather than the exploration of the real requirements within me that have no expiration date. Why? because I am essentially lazy and don't want to work too hard for a sexual encounter anymore. I certainly put in the hours in my 20's.
Sometimes I honestly just need to bust a nut with another body, and really don't want the responsibility for someone else's feelings. Yes... I hear myself, not proud of this truth, just being honest. ╭( ๐_๐)╮
For a couple of hours, it's spectacular, we get one another, have the stamina to go a couple of more rounds if completion has not been met. I have satisfied and gained satisfaction then after the highs of euphoria dissipate, certain realizations settle in.
Our similarities and differences are perhaps not complimentary...
What he chooses to focus on financially...
Our inability to travel well together...
His quickness to frustration,
My quickness to frustration.
All the little things that can ruin a perfectly good moment within a coupling, are present and waiting in the pews for a grand chorus.
So why do I continue to do this? am I really that impatient for a real marriage of the minds? Is it only the sex? Or do I see a future with us in this unconventional manner?
( ๑ ᴖ ᴈ ᴖ)ᴖ ᴑ ᴖ๑)❣
I may not know where everything leads, but I understand how somethings may not change. He may know how to please me and entertain me, but he may never know how to ease me into comfort after another hard life happenstance. That I may never feel safe enough to be vulnerable with him again, simply because he handled me somewhat poorly during the depletion of my father. That intimacy, true intimacy, is being able to let your partner in, to have faith that they will be careful with your delicate bits, because it IS sacred, more sacred than sex itself.
What I am very sure of, is that I have found my personal wave, the direction in which I want to swim. I don't want to ever doubt myself like I have in the past. I am determined to journey into this part of life confident in my choices and in myself. In a relationship, compromise is a very important trait to have when creating a life together, but I have become almost petulant in my choices. The idea of even changing anything I have going on now, feels like failure. That if I don't see any of these new adventures through, I would be more heartbroken than if I had lost a sexual partner.
That's where this conundrum has left with me, remarkably unbothered, but bothered by my unbotheredness? ( 〃．．)
It's just not like me, to not care about another feelings. Sometimes it's like I care too dang much, think too dang much, that I just end up doing, too dang much. So much so, it distracts me from myself. The only 'being' I truly have control over, never mind the responisibity of my own happiness.
WAIT, Does this mean I'm evolving?
Is it really selfish if I understand my own limitations?
Is it really selfish if I recognize that I only want physical congress?
Is it really so awful that I cannot provide anyone with emotional security at the moment?
Although I believe so deeply in connection and sharing our lives to create a more fulfilling experience here, I also know that me having a partner does not make my journey less interesting or lonesome. I would honestly feel more alone dating online, weeding through the plethora of intimacy issues disguised as potential sex partners. Especially when I myself am only sexually available.
Or is this all a ruse to forgive myself of a fuckboi phase? ¯\_(⌣̯̀ ⌣́)_/¯
Asking for a friend.