Ask me how in my 40th year, or 41st year, least I forget...
That I have been propositioned by a much younger man, to be his sugar baby.
Baby? Really?
I appreciate getting older, how's about a sugared senior? (。·ε·。)
What a lovely offer, truly. What's awful about having someone else foot the bill for my various financial needs? Albeit the ‘responsibilities’ that come with that territory, is something less desirable. Not sure how 'kept' people feel, So I ponder...
Do you have a sense of freedom?
Are all the niceties so fulfilling, that you don’t miss the freedom of choice? Is the freedom from choice the attraction? Do you feel encumbered to give to them first, listening to them more? Do you feel responsible for their happiness more, is sex planned? Can you enlist your own requirements dependant on dividends? Are you paid hourly? By action? By commitment?
I question if I could ever be comfortable with that.
I am not saying it’s a bad life, or an unwanted one. I mean, the idea that another can financially support this wild, artistic and absolutely mad writer, build a creative empire without having to worry about a side hustle at a so-called ‘real’ job. Scrambling to make my student loan payments, looking only for a decent living wage, saving money for dental work and necessities, those would all be a thing of the past.
That certainly gives one an element of freedom.
But… then I would have to make room for another person, allow them in my space, give credence to another’s emotional needs. Which didn’t work too well for me last time I moved in with another being, and not because I didn't want too, it being reciprocated though... (；⌣̀_⌣́)
When someone is financially taking care of you, don’t you kind of owe them an element of yourself? Doesn’t that contract entitle said reality? That essentially you have freedom, as long as the investors needs takes precedent. Although love may do that, or having a family may intrinsically do that emotionally…
receiving a stipend, does it cheapen it?
Does it strengthen it?
Finance to me has always been a funny thing, It was invented by man for trades purposes, based on a gold standard, that was shortly abolished once man realized how finite that was. So now money in itself, has no limit here on earth… yet poverty still exists. A bit of an oxymoron no? And if we had never invented money would there still be worth attached to certain things? Since the innate preciousness of good sex, good love and good company, would that be the new exchange?
Life will always out, wether you’re rich or poor, life will always be the most prevalent thing in you, around you. No amount of money will take away your bad choices, your shame, pain from death or dying. Although money can lessen some of these hardships in life, didn't it also invent some? Like the class system, consumerism, climate change, white privilege, colonization… Just to name a few.
I am not shaming the whole ‘kept’ lifestyle. In fact, I think a large part of me would like to very much live there. To reside in opulence, travel on a whim, a self-published author, a closet full of tailored repurposed clothes, bags to rival my emotional ones. The incentives are unending and intoxicating. Yet the idea that I am for sale, that all parts of me are up for grabs… ( although some parts of me do enjoy being grabbed ) The thought of being on-call to someone else desires feels very forced.
I really do wonder...
All of us have an exchange rate, for the lack of a better term. Is mine just not money? Is it respect, kindness, consideration, appreciation? Which is harder to find and not fiscally responsible. Don’t we all give a bit of ourselves away to those we care for, as a daughter, son, mother, father, in order for other elements of ourselves to feel comfort and love? Does a financial stipend make it less valuable?
A lot of these things that we believe about ourselves and the world is programmed, even the love of money. What parts of this experience are truly ours? And if someone else pays for my life, am I still honouring that my life is my own, because I chose it? Since we are already so entangled with one another, does it matter the gift we receive in return? Does money really cheapen our exchanges?
Asking for a friend.