So in attempt to be honest with my own healing journey ( I know, yawn...) finding comfort in the positive and negative sides to this experience here, I am actively trying to choose things, that choose me. (●_● )
For example,
I will NOT chase any friendship, love interest, hobby and or work experience. I WILL put in an honest effort and see where the chips lie. If I feel I am being used, or mishandled in any way, I try and speak up before it festers, or I separate myself all together. Now it has taken a while for me to get to this spot in emotional accountability.... 'maturing' if you will. BUT, for the most part, I just exit stage left.
You see I am not a fan of confrontation, not because I don't enjoy a good tussle, I simply do not think it is my place to tell ANYONE how they should live their life. That and, I also believe in my little thumper called a heart, that people only do what they want. If they want you around they will show it or let it known, if they are too nice to say otherwise... well, there are obvious tells if you pay attention. This is all very altruistic of course, yet I see no point in forcing something, especially when it never really concerned me in the first place. (ノ· ·)ノ
Our ego has been over fed thanks to social media and such, you can see this toxic trait in feelings of inadequacy, brought on by the actions of others. This is an act of self importance, and real connections are brought to you by the thumpy parts. Our thumpy parts is the heart and completely turned off by these energies, that's why relationships sour... because ego has started calculating the emotional bill, and it will always be found wanting.
There are so many types of love relationships, friendships and camaraderie. Connections and relationships are one in the same, so no matter what kind of interaction you require, there is the counterpart somewhere in the world. BUT..
and it's a big BUT. ( )( ) ԅ(‾⌣‾ԅ)
Unless we are willing to handle our own bullshit, all relationships will fail.
That means acknowledging your own toxic traits, recognizing the act of being human. Allowing all others to have the same consideration as you give yourself. Because you and me are no different, yet we have so may variations of 'human' to choose from, that we are always different from moment to moment. That being said, I can be loving and I can be cruel depending on the perspective of those around me, and here's the real fucky part....
ALL PERSPECTIVES ARE VAILD. No matter my own intention. ( because my intention only directs my life alone).
This experience here is meant to be lived, digested, explored, questioned and then end... All of it. If we were all supposed to be here to do the same thing with the same people, be eternally happy, have no struggles, suffer no losses... Welp, existence would be but a blip, and we would all be walking fetuses brought to you by toxic positivity. ⋋_⋌
Sounds agro AF.
You see I used to care so fucking much about the dumbest shit, so much so, it hurt me and the fragile porcelain doll I call the ego. Every time I invested more then I needed too, my spirit died a lil death, I became less of myself and more of what I didn't like in others. Needy, people pleasing, flippant and it only gets translated as disingenuous. When I got to another plateau of my healing, I recognized I was doing it as a defence mechanism, that if I didn't rock the boat too much, I too can be satisfied with my life. [What a load of hot garbage that thought is, for anyone, honestly if you feel that way, delete that fucking thought, it is so not true.] After the shock of losing two great loves in my life, It dawned on me: Each one of us has a version of life in us that is meant to be lived, so therefore all expressions of life are important to experience. Yes even the ugly parts.
Oh and then all bets we're off.
When I finally accepted my agro toxic positivity baby, I knew I needed to allow the dark thoughts a platform as well. The wave of disinterest hit hard, and yet, it was a satisfying acknowledgement to my own internal power. I understood how important all feelings are, and how I was limiting myself by only accepting the niceties. It was freeing recognizing how important all experiences are, how strong I feel after vulnerability, how loved I can feel after another's dismissal. That essentially; what we think we want for ourselves, may not be what's in our best interest... so forcing it would certainly fester and become toxic, simply because we are manipulating a natural occurrence. That's all toxicity is really, the overabundance of one element so that it supersedes all elements involved.
Accepting the light and the dark has knocked down floating irritants exponentially, of course I have my days... but allowing a space for all feelings, looking at them and trying to understand them, has allowed me to carry on faster, take less shit and move at a pace that I can handle. By choosing the WHOLE experience, I am more satisfied. (。· ε ·。)
Fuck that stupid, over fed baby.
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