Hey Sir and or Madam....
or Hey They! How have you been? Did you get lucky over the summer?
Ya sorry, still working on that small talk I mentioned earlier... about 3 blogs back or so? Somehow it seems rude, to just dive head first into my chosen subject matter. I like to ease people into a sense of comfort, before I travel into the unknown realms of my tangent landscapes.
But since you're here...
Prepare thyself, it's a journey.
So if you don't know already from previous brain farts, I am not so recently single, processing yet another breakup. I am old enough to recognize my part in it... young enough to know I deserve more for myself, as well enjoying my remaining time here. Over the current time period I attempted to continue a relaxed, sexual relationship with the ex, that at no surprise, blew up in my face...
YET again(＞﹏＜).
Truth be told I would like to have a comforting, sexual relationship, I mean who doesn't? Yet the fear of trying with someone else, trusting someone else, seemed more of a mental risk than ever before. Alas, I was brow beaten with the very reasoning, as to why moving on is so important. So in keeping with that energy, I have allowed myself some recreation. Although now it feels I may have stumbled upon an interesting coping mechanism whilst adventuring in the dating pool.
Introducing: Captain Save a' Ho.
If you aren't familiar, it is a person who has many friends that they are attracted too, yet doesn't emotionally commit to any one person, and usually has a few casual sex partners. Their platonic friendships receive true patience and care, because they are willing to be an emotional support for the sexless friend, yet avoid attachment to those they are intimate with. It's a way to split an emotional self from a sexual self so that one may satisfy the human need to connect, whilst less inclined to 'expose' oneself with sexual partners. They can be seen as a really nice person, and usually are. A 'safe' way to play the field without being responsible for anyone, they emotionally invest in people that won't fuck em' and starve out those willing too. It allows the 'Captain' to steer their own emotional ship believing to inevitably circumvent choppy waters... aka, other peoples emotions.
It is also super cowardly and riskier than it seems.
It is certainly easier to share your thoughts with someone who doesn't see you naked, or someone you hope remains attracted to you, after your proverbial beans have been spilt. It definitely feels safer listening to your friends cry, or be disappointed by life, when you have no immediate connection to the reason or the outcome. Yet the falseness of these safety measures will only create a deficit. Why? well, the reality is: We are all emotional beings, and NONE of us can navigate another's emotions, only our own. Let's be honest, that is a tall order for most.
I recognize that I myself has played this role. To create a bubble, a cushion for my fragile little ego. So that another rejection doesn't stifle my exploration, so that I may also enjoy sex without responsibility.
Problem is I also take people on very easily, so in order to not attach expectations onto others, I would allow whatever they were willing to give me, sex included. It can be extremely freeing if you can remain unbiased, unmoved. I have certainly gained a lot of knowledge and learned a lot of fun bedroom tricks along the way :D. The issue with it is: Intimacy becomes no longer precious, it's free content. Anyone can download the software and trust me, malware is usually involved somehow (￣￢￣ヾ). I see how that was limiting and undermining my worth. The problem with getting something easy is NONE of us appreciate it. Not until it's gone usually.
TO BE CLEAR: This is not an attempt to slut shame, or kink shame for that matter. I have only come to recognize a new type of avoidance and wondering if this is really something I myself can participate in, without repercussions. I totally understand wanting to compartmentalize needs and feelings, especially after being run over by the Mac truck of a false positive. I am not in denial either, I know it's not fulfilling NOR is it something I could participate in for long, considering I can fall hard for quirky characters.
So as much as I miss sex, the connection, the exploration... I don't want to be a coward either. I want all the things that come with a real connection. The earning, the effortlessness, the undeniablilty that it is yours and no one else's. Like when you find your stride in work, or as a parent. That precious dance of excitement and confidence all balled into the wondrous journey of falling in love. Gross... I know I KNOWWWWW.
But...
Doesn't incredible things come with a dedication though? A job well done? A life well earned? Isn't there a satisfaction that comes with intentionally living and following your own path to joy, creation and connection?
All the heartache that comes with waiting for someone to see your worth is a shitty reality, but imagine being the one who doesn't see their own! Also it undervalues your being exponentially, by expecting someone to give you, your own sense of worth. I know it takes time, and many strange magics for each of us to experience true ardor. Although I do thoroughly believe that we are ALL allowed ANY adventure we ask the universe with an open heart. Patience is the key to that perplexity and of course an open mind.
Just don't get tricked by Captain Save a' Ho. They don't have all the answers, they are simply navigating through their own heartache. Unfortunately only choppy waters seems to be on that horizon. Is it worth a deep dive into oblivion, for a couple of orgasms?
Asking for a friend.
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