The final chapter daunting
Possibly too much for some
This tale starts out in a child’s dark space
although she was born from love.
society corrupted her open heart and it spun deeper into a hole
created by others but dug further by herself
the beginning of a tale of woe
But do not fret, that is only the start of something too small too contain.
A liberated woman of colour who has no attachment to others perception of shame.
Monstrous, large and impressive
Much like her body after puberty
Our last focus of female growth
Is through incredible adversity
The one we fight within the self.
A blended child born truly to her country
8 generations deep
Mixed with slave, native, Irish and European blood
Only her colour did keep
As a sign of class, of separation
Her features she cannot control
Is somehow seen as wrong, unnatural
So here our abomination is born
She struggled through a growth spurt
That towered her over her teachers
At the age of twelve
An adult with no maturity
Her peers, laughing and pointing
Shaming the nature of her purity
It seemed everyone was in on the joke
Using her as the body to poke
Carried a weight so heavy, too soon she knew the truth
That people will mock and fear what’s different
What they believe is uncouth
Their superiority threatened by her physical norm
Forcing the concept that power comes in all forms
Yet our growing monster only felt ugly and unworthy
Taking others personally
She went through years eating others shit
Believing it was her own
Believing their opinions of her had relevance
Believing she was worthy of thrown stones.
Since her world only shown lythe bodies as acceptable
Short, skinny and demure
That only true cultures had beauty
Her mix being truly impure
Her grandmother Daisy taking it one step further
Humiliating her in secret
Making her get on a scale
High on her own conceit
Told her grand daughter that she was muck
No one would love her
No one would marry her
Unless she shed all her extra fluff
Dressing like a boy and hiding her awkwardness
Distancing herself from the group
She turned her hatred inside
So that she could navigate the human soup.
Lying to gain friendship
No matter how absurd
She just wanted to be accepted
She just wanted to be heard.
Never being black or white enough because her interests varied
Her attire alternative
Her personality wearied.
Tried all she could no friend would connect
She lost herself through perceived neglect.
Her parents quite loving, although tough in their rearing.
It was only her environment that wasn’t endearing.
The world ugly and complicated
As it is for everyone
She wasn’t so special
All humanity is undone.
She experienced hard lessons throughout the next 9 years of life
From drug abuse to abusive relationships accepting only strife
Listening to the negative thoughts repeating in her mind,
Believing every one of them because she was too blind
Getting jobs just to get by
Sleeping on couches
Moving to shelters
Too scared to go home.
She had stolen over thousands from her loving parents
Too ashamed to atone.
Too ashamed to live and too stubborn to die
Wishing her luck to change
Wishing someone would believe her lie.
In her second year of excessive drug use
Her second year of running away
She woke up ashamed again
Not remembering the previous day.
Lying naked in a drug dealers bed wet from fornication
Of which she knew she gave no consent.
It was time to make a change, one so drastic
Making herself the commitment.
She put herself in a shelter that focused on rehabilitation
Got clean and met some people like her, broken from a system
Wanting more for themselves, forcing new traditions.
She worked on her self, her diet, her mental state
Recognizing her bullies were only the spark
Her responsibility was only to herself
No other had power over her
No man, no industry, no financial mark
But she got distracted you see, by a males attention
Attaching her importance to someone else’s investment
Her programming so ingrained, not seeing the signs
That this man was no ally
He was too privileged to see the struggles of a coloured, angry girl
Too proud to be her friend because of his dick
Too angry and high on narcotics, a mind already too sick.
Too broken to allow his heart involvement
Never taught how to intimately share
They clung to one another in common pain
Not in common care.
They battled through 5 years
Growing further and further apart
Using cocaine and alcohol to quiet their screaming hearts.
Staying because she felt she deserved what she had got
No love to hold onto
No urge to ask for more
Too scared
Too unprepared
To accept the responsibility of her own joy.
At 25 she was pregnant after a weekend bender with her ex
Breakup and bender being the cycle in which they only had sex
She knew from the beginning she was doing so alone
After a couple abortions
Many miscarriages
She asked herself what is a home?
Because that’s what she wanted
A family and love of her own.
To stop seeking highs that only came from chemicals
To start feeding needs that released them naturally instead
She knew her life was meant to change
Her son being the spearhead.
Others met her pregnancy like she was making a mistake
Yet knew in her heart this was the change she needed
And welcomed the different take
Of life
She never finished high school, she never got to college
It seemed her life had no direction
The risk surely to end in carnage
But thankfully her family forgiven her of her many indiscretions
By carrying love with them and making it the focus of insurrection.
She moved in with her parents once more
Her spirit weakened and quite sore
Days and nights she cried
Wishing she knew what to do
Wishing she could find the strength
Wishing the pain would be subdued
Through the love surrounding her
She decided to try again
This time with education
And formulated a plan
She would go back to school and focus
On the things she loved the most
Although she did not graduate
In college she could coast
On her innate intelligence
Her drive to learn it all
She passed the tests with flying colours
Ready for her call
She realized that she could not love
Herself or her growing boy
Until she started to see her worth
Until she took responsibility of her own joy.
She knew her work wasn’t finished
That a lifetime it may take
To remove her own insecurities
To remove her self hate
She knew her next struggles were worthy
Because her boy she could support
She had battled through her own restraints
She conquered her own fort
She knew the world was still broken
Yet knew the underling truth
That hurt people hurt people
And it infects the human soup
It requires a lot of love to navigate this world
love of self and love of humanity
Love for all that has incurred
instead of judgement of others she only judged herself
Instead of expecting others to change, she grew
Her hunger not squelched
Because she had a boy to raise
Because she was tired of her emotional malaise
She knew she had more work to do
So her son could also pull through
Because how do you teach a child that they are worth the effort
when everything that surrounds them shows them they are not.
Because love requires acceptance
Something society is not made of.
#truestory #amplifymelenatedvoices #writer #poc #mixed #poem #writer #creative #stuggle #blackartist #singlemom #herstory #understandinghatred